Choose Your Hard

Being overweight is hard. Getting and staying fit is hard. Choose your hard.

I am at the point where I am choosing to change my situation (again), but it's hard, and unless one is going through it they won't understand how it's hard. I wanted to capture how my current life is hard for some perspective, whether you as the reader care or not. I fully admit it's my own fault for consuming too many calories over the years...

• Stereotype that one is lazy/dirty: I am ultra paranoid that I smell because I sweat easily, and unfortunately society believes I'm lazy. My friends and family know I have tried over the years to eat healthy and exercise, but the general population just sees an obese person. It can take away job or dating opportunities because it's easier to judge based on ones looks than put in the effort to get to know someone's journey. This is why I'm pretty set on being a cat lady for the rest of my life- dating apps have proven unsuccessful and it's easier to focus on myself than prove to someone as well as myself that I'm worth the effort in a relationship.

• Showering - cleaning and drying in between folds: along the lines of being dirty, showering feels like a chore. I'm lucky in the sense that I have to watch just one area for moisture (beer gut) but many obese people have multiple folds to wash and dry, which is exhausting on top of washing hair, brushing snarled hair, and all that jazz. If we don't wash and dry properly, we are prone to infections. Some days I wish I didn't have to put in the effort but no such luck.

• Getting dressed/socks/shoes: to put on my socks and shoes, I have to sit on my bed. I can't just sit in a chair and reach my feet because my gut gets in the way. I also have limited options for cute clothes and shoes that fit appropriately. The clothing industry assumes that the bigger you are the taller you are which means my shoulder lines on shirts don't line up and my pants are always too long. I do better with the skinny style pants, which according to gen z is out of style but too bad LOL I also struggle with buying shoes because the top of my feet swell. I'm about a 7, but can go up to an 8 to tie my shoes comfortably. I need wide calf boots and I can't just walk into walmart or Target to buy a cheap bra, it's expensive to buy plus size undergarments.

• Breathing heavily and feeling embarrassed: whether it's climbing stairs or going hiking, my heart starts to race and I start to breathe heavily (slightly embarrassing as I work in a cardiology office!) I actually enjoy being outside and hiking/walking on local trails, but people often assume obese people cannot participate in those activities, which again takes away dating opportunities or even invites from friends. I may move slower than everyone else but I want and will participate! Along the same lines, I sweat super easy. I could have my apartment AC set on 63 and still be dripping sweat by the time I'm done putting on makeup and brushing my hair. I walk outside in the summer and instantly am miserable. For this reason, I'll often turn down invites to eat outside, because not only do I sunburn easily but eating while I'm sweating is not a good time. Fall and spring when it's 60-70* is when I prefer to eat outside but most people are cold (to which I say, put on a sweatshirt, I can't take clothes off!!)

• Skin tags, double chins, feeling ugly, getting labeled as pregnant: As much as I like documenting moments in life, I hate getting my picture taken now because no angle takes away my double chin and stomach. The number of skin tags I have has increased as I have gained weight, which I hate. I also hold my weight in such a way that some people think I'm pregnant. True story: an older gentleman asked me at my Pappy's 80th birthday party if I was expecting, and no, he didn't exhibit signs of dementia which would excuse it (even started the conversation by saying "I don't normally ask this but..." then don't F...ing ask!!)

• I can't ride some, or most, rides at amusement parks, and need a seatbelt extender on an airplane. When I flew in December 2022 I was able to squeeze in my seat without an extender but I have since gained weight, so if I were to fly in the next year I would probably need one, which is embarrassing. Fortunately I have experiences Six Flags and Canobie Park multiple times with no desire to go back, and went to Universal when I still fit, but I would like to go back to Harry Potter world and Disney so need to lose some weight to feel comfortable getting on rides and getting the whole experience.

• Finally, the obvious: health risks. I'm fortunate I have age on my side. My glucose has always been in normal limits so no risk at this time of diabetes, but my resting heart rate is high, and recently had a period where I experienced palpitations. My cholesterol is elevated but not so much that I need medication yet, and my blood pressure is JUST right (120-130s/80-90s). It's a factor I worry about sometimes, and my family worries about on top of the excess weight in my stomach around my organs.

• Edited to add: picking things up off the ground, jumping, fitting in booths at restaurants, and moving in general, mostly because I carry the majority of my weight in my stomach and love handles. It physically hurts sometimes to do jumping jacks or other moves with jumping so I appreciate modifications during exercises! And for picking things up I have to put my hand against the wall for balance and crouch.

I don't want to have to deal with all of these things, so hopefully as I progress in my journey life will become easier, and people will provide some grace when they see me.