My Healthy Ever After: A brief history of time

Living 'happily ever after' is such a cliché, isn't it? A goal seen only in fairy tales or movies. But if the goal in life is to be happy and healthy, go on adventures/have fun, be a productive citizen, and be surrounded by friends and family... Why can't we strive for our own happy ever after?

For my whole adult life I have been chasing the idea of having such a life. I put so much pressure on myself to check certain boxes off in life, to be a certain kind of person that my family is proud of, and also be fun and someone they and my friends want to hang out with, that I don't always feel completely happy or fulfilled. Sure, there is a normal amount of stress in life from the academics of high school/college, time management to complete work and participate in organizations like honor societies, to working full-time and having to "adult". But constantly thinking 'I'm not smart enough', 'I'm not doing enough', comparing myself to others, feeling stressed from academics or relationships, and having negative work environments have all certainly taken their toll. In all this time, even back to high school days, food became a comfort to me. It helped distract and comfort me from these negative feelings, and over time became an addiction. If I was bored or feeling anything at all, good or bad, I reached for something to eat.

I graduated high school in 2009 at 140 pounds (if I'm going to be accountable, it includes honesty and putting the numbers out in the open, as embarrassing as it may seem... that's just the reality of the situation). My initial poor relationship with food started in high school. I didn't realize it at the time, but my parents divorce probably affected my self esteem and drove me to snack; it didn't help that I was told certain snacks were for my sister, so I began sneaking them. My parents did the best they could, and I had a fun neighborhood grades 6-12, but if we're talking about food struggles, it started around 9th grade.

I went to Keene State College where I found an AMAZING group of friends who are now friends for life; however, during my 4 years I felt the pressures described above, and used food in the dining hall to compensate. It was a gradual gain over the years. I lost some weight using Weight Watchers the summer of 2012, but by the time I graduated in 2013 I was 190 lbs. I then found my first teaching job and apartment. My housing situation was not the best, I was lonely, and while my coworkers worked together as a great team, the school system I was teaching in made me feel like an utter failure. I spent many nights eating and drinking more than I should, and feeling sad ALL the time. I even started having panic attacks. I had checked off the boxes of being productive, but was not having fun, going on adventures, etc...

In January of 2016, I finally acknowledged that if I couldn't help myself, how could I help my students? I sought help from my PCP and got on antidepressants. I took a year off from teaching, moved home to Dover, and realized that teaching in a classroom setting was not for me. I struggled with the concept that I was 'wasting' my degree, but moved into healthcare, eventually becoming a supervisor in Sterile Processing November 2020. Up to this point, I had stressful moments at work, but because I was more active, lived with my mom, and mentally felt better, making better nutrition choices was easier and I lost weight. I went from 254 in June 2016 to 198 summer of 2020. I moved into my own apartment in March 2021, and I had already gained about 10 pounds back. I blamed this on the stress of planning a move while working full-time. Unfortunately this is where my stress and mind spiraled negatively again, on top of being less strict on diet and exercise. I started eating and drinking more than I should, and spent many mornings laying in bed instead of working on my fitness goals.

Eventually I said enough is enough. I changed jobs in May 2023, and the crushing pressure of the job lifted immediately. I upped my antidepressants (which I should have done months before) and I had hopes that I would go back in the right direction. I joined the weight management program at The Works and even though I was back at 250, I thought, 'I did it before, I can do it again.' That has not gone as planned, and on 2/28/24 I weighed in at 283. This time, it doesn't matter what I tell myself to explain why I gained instead of lost. The truth is, no matter what was going on to stress me out, I had the resources and knowledge to do better. I have coping skills for when I'm feeling down, and I have activities to do when I'm bored. So, I start again. I reevaluate, I try different methods. It's not as easy this time around so I've started on a medication and am considering bariatric surgery. I honestly don't believe I've been eating in such a way as to gain the weight I did in a short amount of time, but as Dr. Now says on My 600 Pound Life, "the scale doesn't lie".

I started this public blog to hold myself accountable in a way I haven't before. As of 3/8, I was 5 pounds down. I have a fear that my weight and talk of getting healthy is the only thing that gets me attention from certain people, and if I lose weight I'll become even more boring, but I want to feel not just better, but GOOD. I know I am a good person. I'm fun, smart, reliable, and have a dry sense of humor; it's time to let go of the idea that my weight has anything to do with any of those descriptions. I need to lose this weight not because the number on the scale is high but because I need every day activities to become easier, like tying my shoes or climbing stairs. I want to travel more, go hiking, and so much more. And I don't write to get compliments or assurances from friends and family, but to find a group of like minded people who can understand the struggle that mental health plays on one's relationship with food. If even one person finds my story somewhat interesting and we can share tips, I will feel successful. To me, happiness encompasses physical, mental, and emotional health. So, not my happy ever after... I pursue my HEALTHY ever after.

Cheers.